Al the Counselor
by chocolatexloverx16
Summary: Chapter 6: May's turn! What could possibly go right this time around?
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N**: Hello! This came to mind, and I had to write it down! XD Alphonse will be in every chapter :D_

_**Thanks/Dedication**: Thank you, Indigo Oblivion, for reviewing a previous fic, and for forming the idea in the first place 8D You are awesome!_

_**Warnings**: Cracky, random, weird, OOCness?, swearing here and there… that's about it I think. _

_**Disclaimer**: I don't own the amazingness D: _

Ed sighed. He was quite concerned about Winry; however, the problem would be confronting her. Recently, he had been having suspicions about her inhaling too much automail cleaner. Consequently, this meant he went under cover, and observed Winry in her natural habitat; her automail workshop back in Resembool.

His only chance of doing so would be to continually have her perform maintenance checks on his automail. Of course, he had luck on his side; he managed to break his leg every other day. Ok, perhaps that's a bit of an exaggeration. But definitely weekly!

Anyway, after several weeks, he finally caught her in the act; she was sniffing that automail cleaner a few seconds too long, and with too much enthusiasm for his liking. Ed also couldn't help but notice how much it screwed with her emotions. She was bipolar enough as it was, but when she was high? Oh, it was so much worse! His poor brain couldn't keep up with those mood swings!

It was then and there that he'd decided he needed to get her some help. Ed let a half smile form on his face. Alphonse should be able to help her out, no problem!

Winry was working on some automail, as per usual, but Ed decided enough was enough, and stormed into the shop dramatically. "Winry," he started out, pinning her down with his stare, "there's something I need to talk to you about."

She paused a moment, then continued tinkering with the piece on the table. "Hm? What is it Ed?"

Ed frowned, unsatisfied with her divided attention, but it'd have to do for now. "I… well, er, um…" he cut his stammering off, and tried again, "I'll just say it. You have a problem, and you need to get some-"

Winry automatically launched her wrench at his forehead by the time he said the word "problem", but of course, it took too long to cut him off. _He thinks I have a _problem_?_

"Ow!" Ed grunted. "What the hell was that for?"

Grabbing another wrench while turning around to face him, Winry glared fiercely at Ed. "I do NOT have issues Edward! How dare you say that!" Her hand subconsciously held the wrench tighter, turning her knuckles white.

He gulped. "You know Winry, this would be easier if you could just put that wrench down…" he tried to reason with her nervously, but it didn't seem to work. Neither the wrench nor the glare went away. "Winry… please put it down. I'm just worried about you."

At that statement, she raised an eyebrow. "Worried about me? Interesting." Winry's eyes cooled down, as did her voice when she added, "what is it that you think my so called _problem_ is, Edward? Hm?"

He swallowed the lump in his throat. "W-well, you see, it's just that, lately… I have reason to suspect that you're getting high off of that automail cleaner of yours and you really need to get some counseli-"

Again, he was cut off by her wrench. Fortunately for him, she did not pick up another one.

"Would you stop that?" Ed yelled, while rubbing both wrench spots. "I'm sure Al could help you!" He double-checked that she was unarmed. "Really! Please go?"

Winry simply armed herself with the deadliest glare she could muster. "No. Nothing you do or say will make me go, Edward."

"Go to the counseling, Winry. Ed's actually right this time."

Winry's eyes widened. "Wh-what? Are you serious granny?" _Ed's right? I need counseling? WHAT?_ _What has the world come to?_

Pinako nodded firmly. "Yes, you need help." Her tone left no room for argument.

"But granny!" Winry started to protest. She sighed. "Fine. I'll go…"

Ed was lost in his own little (little!) happy world, shocked at being called out for being _right_. Granny and Winry always sided with each other. He was so shocked, that he didn't snap back to reality until Winry accidentally-on-purpose bumped into him on her way out of the room. "Thanks a lot Edward… really. Thanks a _lot_."

He shivered involuntarily. He sure hoped Al could get her back to normal.

"Ah, Winry! What a surprise to see you here!" Al exclaimed. He didn't think that she would be his first real patient, though he knew she'd be here eventually. He was just relieved it was before she gave brother a serious head injury, like a concussion. Or a tumor.

"Hey Al," she sighed resignedly. "I was forced to come here by granny and Ed."

"What? _Both_ of them?" Al questioned, shocked.

"I know, I'm surprised too… they never team up…" Winry smiled sadly, just thinking about it.

After a few moments, Alphonse cleared his throat. "Anyway, let's see here… you are here because…" he squinted his eyes and concentrated really intensely on the paperwork. "I can't even read this. Who wrote this?"

"Edward did."

"Oh, so that's why. I've never been able to decipher his handwriting," he grumbled while filing the paper away. "So, why are you here Winry?"

Winry fidgeted in her seat, and mumbled something.

"I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Could you say it a little louder?" Al asked patiently.

She twitched, but complied. "Ed thinks I'm getting high off of automail cleaner. I don't know what he is talking about."

Alphonse raised his eyebrow, but said nothing. _Denial. Definitely denial._

"I'm not, I swear! There's no reason for me to!" Winry shouted, desperate for Al to believe her.

Al sighed. "Winry… what this is, is a classic case of denial. You need to face your demons. What is it you're trying to drown out? What is it that you want to block out?"

Winry's eyes widened. "How…?" _It's as if he can see through me…_

Al smiled gently. "I'm a counselor; I know these things. Now, please, tell me what it is you want to block out."

Winry's cheeks flushed red, probably due to embarrassment. "Well… to tell you the truth… I have a pattern," she paused to look at Al. He nodded, so she continued, "You see, every time Edward breaks his automail, it really worries me. I guess it just really frustrates me, seeing all that hard work just… ruined like that." She shifted into a more comfortable position. "I guess I noticed lately that I've been feeling this urge to just THROW WRENCHES AT HIS HEAD UNTIL I RUN OUT OF WRENCHES TO THROW!"

Al jumped slightly at the outburst. Obviously, this was something she was keeping inside for a very long time. He rubbed his temples. "And you feel bad about this… urge to beat up brother, which is why you've turned to inhaling chemicals?"

Winry averted her gaze. "Something like that," she mumbled.

Al sighed. "Look, Winry, here's what you have to do: find another outlet for your anger. You must wean yourself off the wrenches if that's what it takes." At her frightened expression, he added, "but that's the last resort! Only if nothing else works!"

"Then what should I do? I can't just give up wrenches, I need them for my beautiful automail works of art!" Winry asked, close to tears.

Al waved his hands in front of him frantically. "Please, don't cry Winry!" He bravely put a hand on her shoulder. "See, what you need to do is keep the cleaner restricted to one room. One room, where they will not be tampered with, and won't be misused: brother's room."

Winry rolled her eyes. "Then it won't even be used at all..."

"After relocating the cleaner, distract yourself! This is the part where you have plenty of options. You could… paint, go on walks, help neighbors out during harvesting season, cook for granny as she's always done for us, anything like that."

Winry glanced briefly at him. "How about talking to you and Ed? Would that count?"

"Sure it would! You know we wouldn't mind that at all!" Al grinned reassuringly.

"But…" Winry began, "what if Edward makes me angry? Then what should I do? If I can't use my wrenches, what does that leave me? My fists?"

"Um… that's still painful for brother. Anything else?"

"Well… my legs are good at kicking!"

"… That's not what I meant…" he replied tiredly, glancing at his watch. "Oh, look, an hour has passed, guess our time is up!"

"But it's only been fifteen minu-"

"It was a nice hour-long chat Winry, but I'm afraid I shall release you back home now. Don't forget to schedule another appointment next week and let me know how you're progressing!"

"We could keep talking for forty-five mo-"

Al eagerly grabbed Winry's hand and led her to the door. "Bye now!"

Winry blinked. _What's wrong with him?_

Ed was waiting outside the building. "So, how'd it go?"

Winry semi-glared in response. "It was weird. Al said our hour was up, but it was only fifteen minutes long. I wonder what's up with that?"

Ed merely shrugged. "Who knows. Did he help you at least?"

Winry nodded. "A little, actually. He told me to distract myself from my problems." She smiled mischievously at him. "I have the perfect distraction in mind." _I'm going to get you help with your milk and height complex issues, even if it's the last thing I do!_

Edward did not like the sound of this one bit.

_**A/N**: Tada! This is the first (and testing-the-waters) chapter :D Next will probably be Edward, but I might put him off and do someone else first. Mustang anyone? XD_

_Peace and love!_

_chocolatexloverx16_


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N**: I am back with more! 8D I rather liked writing the confrontation scene for this one XD_

_**Thanks to**: Indigo Oblivion and Jamsthebestestfoodever for the reviews 8DDD They made me all warm and fuzzy inside XD_

_**Indie**: Thanks so much for the ideas! I integrated a few, as you'll see *nods* And I used the word… the word! The awesome word XD _

_**Warnings**: About the same as last chapter… add in some varying levels of consciousness, and varying levels of appropriateness :3 Also, I'm using the titles that Hawkeye and Mustang had for a good chunk of the series, since I'm so used to thinking of them as Lieutenant and Colonel :/_

_**Disclaimer**: No shoes, no shirt, no own! (What? FMA is not mine, I meant to say…)_

Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye was doing the colonel's paperwork, which was nothing new. For as long as she can remember, that's just the way it's always been.

However… in the last few weeks, she's noticed some rather… crude doodles in the corners and borders of the documents. Some of the drawings were of Mustang himself, and he was drawn in various styles: wearing a crown, sitting on a throne, and even being worshipped by whores-ahem, hoards of women. Women in tiny miniskirts of course.

Each and every day for the past 23 days, the lieutenant just ignored them; in fact, she put wite-out on the drawings, effectively erasing them from anyone's view.

Today was a different story. Riza was putting wite-out on the drawings as usual, when one of the doodles made her freeze. Inspecting it closer, she realized why: it was _her_. In stick figure form. Wearing a miniskirt. _Bowing down to Roy_.

Her usual impassive face showed signs of irritation. Was the colonel mad? Obviously he was, and he badly needed a confrontation.

And Riza was the one to give it to him. She stood, and hastily walked to his office.

"Sir?" Hawkeye spoke sharply, but professionally.

"Yes, Hawkeye, what is it?" Mustang replied while signing-ahem, doodling on-his paperwork.

"Permission to speak freely sir," she requested immediately.

Mustang spared her a quick glance, and sighed. "Permission granted." He had the tiniest Edward Elric sized feeling that this wouldn't end well.

At this, she closed the gap between her and the desk, and slammed the paperwork onto the desk. "We need to talk," she said monotonously.

Roy shuddered. Those four words never meant anything good.

"It's about your paperwork," she continued on, with traces of annoyance seeping into her voice.

He felt his shoulders relax. That was it? This shouldn't be so bad… "Oh? Is it too much for you? Hawkeye, you know I could always have one of the others help you-"

"No, that's ok. Actually, I'd rather like to discuss your increasingly risqué drawings, colonel. Care to explain yourself?"

Roy smirked. "I'm merely reminding the Fuhrer of the miniskirt campaign."

"Then why are you in some of these doodles?" Riza questioned, dumbfounded. _He doesn't want to wear miniskirts, does he? Just how mad is he?_

His response was immediate. "To remind him who'll be on the top, with many, many beautiful women in miniskirts. But for some reason, he keeps rejecting my ideas! What's wrong with him?"

_What's wrong with you?_ Riza resisted the urge to ask that question, and instead answered with, "one more thing. Why am I drawn in a miniskirt Roy? That is unacceptable, not to mention inappropriate."

"Well… I was hoping that when I'm Fuhrer-and I will be, for I am the greatest man alive-that you will be by my side," he paused dramatically, "in a miniskirt!" Roy had a huge grin plastered to his face, like a kid who scored some free candy.

The lieutenant stared at him for a few minutes. She had never felt so perplexed-so horrified-in her life.

It was then that something inside of her snapped. She reached for her gun in its holster, and in one fluid motion, hit the back of Roy's head with the butt of her weapon.

The thud echoed ominously throughout the office. However, Mustang did not notice the ominous echo, for he was unconscious on the floor.

She blinked. _Well… that's one way to shut him up. Why didn't I think of this earl-_

The sound of the door being kicked in interrupted her thoughts. "Mustang! I order you to-" the speaker abruptly stopped talking, seemingly taking in his surroundings. "Oh. Hey Lieutenant. What happened here?"

Riza looked up, gun still in hand. "Edward? What are you doing here?" She skillfully ignored the question. If he had any protests about this, they were not voiced due to the gun in her hand.

He casually shrugged. "Well… I'm hungry." He took her perplexed expression as a sign to continue on with his explanation. "Well, since Al is busy with his counseling job, and I'm on Winry's to-wrench list, I can't ask either of them to make me a sandwich… so I came here to force Mustang to make one for me."

Hawkeye raised an eyebrow. "You can't make it yourself?"

He averted his gaze. "Well… not since I gave my alchemy up, no." Ed muttered.

Riza paused a moment before responding. "I see."

Ed nervously shifted his weight from foot to foot. "Yeah…" he took a moment to poke Mustang curiously with his foot. "Hey, since he's not able to make me one, could you-"

The butt of her gun connected with his head before he could finish the statement.

"Not again…" she sighed. _This is just great, now there are two unconscious guys on the floor, and I can't carry them out of here…_

Then an amazing idea popped into her head. She could call Alphonse for help! After all, one of the two on the floor is his brother, so he should know about this anyway.

_And Edward _did_ say he's a counselor, which would be _perfect_ for Roy…_

A large genuine smile spread across her face at the revelation. Hurrying to the phone, she dialed a number.

"If you're in a bind that needs fixing, or issues that need nixing, you've dialed the right place! This is Alphonse," the voice greeted pleasantly.

"… Al? This is Riza."

"Oh, hello lieutenant! How are you today?"

"Actually… I was wondering if you could come to the colonel's office. I need your help with something…"

Twenty minutes later found the four of them in Al's office. Riza couldn't help but notice all the hand-drawn pictures of cats covering the room like wallpaper. They all looked like they were drawn by little kids, yet somehow seemed to _belong_ here.

She glanced at the still unconscious forms on the sofa. "Thanks for helping me carry them Alphonse."

"Oh, not a problem. Say, you mentioned needing my services before?" At her nod, he asked, "Who needs help?"

Riza wasted no time in pointing at Mustang. "He does. The man keeps doodling risqué drawings all over his paperwork. He even drew-"

She was interrupted by a couple of forms being tossed into her lap. "That's nice; could you please write down the issue for me? I need it in my records," Al requested professionally.

She sighed. "More paperwork? Well, if it will help Roy out, then I'm willing to fill it out."

It only took a few minutes to fill out, and once she was done, she noticed some odd noises coming from the couch; or rather, from the occupants on the couch. It was time for them to join the conscious world again.

The future fuhrer awoke with a groan. What the hell happened? Last thing he remembered, he was at his desk, in his office, when Riza approached him with paperwork.

And now he's in the land of cats. _I knew paperwork was bad for my health, I just knew it-_

"Colonel? Are you awake?"

"Ow, my head… what the hell happened?"

Roy recognized the voices as belonging to Al and Ed, but why were they here? And where's his lieutenant? The miniskirts? His life's dreams and ambitions?

"What's going on? Where am I?" Roy questioned the brothers crossly. He was always cross when he woke up after being knocked out.

"I could ask you the same question, you bastard," Ed retaliated with an equal amount of anger in his voice. "Last thing I recall is being in your office, looking for you so you could make me a damn sandwich. That's all I was going to ask of you. But nooo, you just had to be unconscious to get out of it. Well, guess what? I'm still hungry, so transmute me a sandwich, would you?" he continued ranting at Roy.

Mustang simply shook his head. "I'm not making you a sandwich, Fullmetal. And that's final," he spoke authoritatively.

Edward simply stormed out of the room, making as much noise as he could.

Al cleared his throat. "So, uh, colonel, do you know why you are here?"

Mustang warily looked around the room; the kittens on the wall came to life. "Am I dead?"

Al laughed. The kittens meowed. "No, you're still very much alive. According to the lieutenant… crazy, but alive-"

"Where is my miniskirt harem?" Roy demanded to know. If he was dead, he was damned if he didn't get to spend his time with his harem. "Where's Riza? She's supposed to be in my harem too."

"… I really didn't need to know that… but she left before you woke up." Al answered placidly. "Also, I do not have any miniskirt harems available."

"But I'm Colonel Roy Mustang! With my rank, and natural amazingness, there should be swarms of women in miniskirts surrounding me!" He paused, letting a smirk form on his face. "I'm the best after all; I need my image to reflect that."

Al nodded solemnly while writing some notes down:

_Colonel is just as bad as the lieutenant said. Thinks he's the best… obsessed with miniskirts. Expects harems to appear out of thin air._

"Well, colonel, could you please tell me why you want a miniskirt harem?" Al asked reluctantly, not really wanting to know.

Roy sat up straighter in his seat, and fixed Al with a glare. "That's a stupid question. As you know, when I'm fuhrer-and I WILL be fuhrer-I plan on changing the dress code for all female officers. Women in miniskirts are just so much more fun than the ladies in normal military uniform," Roy exclaimed while gesturing excitedly, "that's why."

"I see…" Al supplied, having nothing else to say. _Scary obsession with miniskirts. Note to self: never question his motives for miniskirts again._

Mustang glanced in the direction of Al's notes. "What are you writing?"

Al scratched the back of his head. "Oh, this? Um, just reminding myself to have a harem for you next time you're here! Yeah! Heheh," he answered quickly, making it up as he went.

Lucky for Al, Roy bought every bit of it. "Really? You'll remember one next time?"

Al nodded. "Yep! Don't want to forget a second time!"

Mustang looked at Al with a sort of loving pride in his eyes. "You know Alphonse, I've never felt more proud of you."

"Really? You mean that?" Al's voice rose in surprise. "That's got to be the nicest thing you've ever said to me!"

Roy nodded. "Of course I do. Does this look like a face that would lie?" he asked, showing off his face at random angles. "Besides, you've always been one to make me proud, but this is a shining moment; you've really outdone yourself this time. Great job!"

Al beamed. "Thank you so much! I'm glad I could have made you proud colonel-"

Mustang stood up, and began to walk to the very door Ed stomped out of.

"Colonel-"

"Never been more proud," Roy emphasized on his way out. "Don't forget the miniskirt harem next time!"

Al sighed. The colonel tricked him! And what's worse, it had only been fifteen minutes, just like with Winry.

He sincerely hoped this wouldn't become a pattern. Al started to doodle on his notes page. Several mini kitties covered the edges of the paper, and he found it comforting after such a mean trick.

He vaguely wondered who would be next, and whether they'd be more cooperative than Mustang, but only time will tell…

_**A/N**: Done! Yay! I thought I'd never get done x.x But I'm glad I am ^^_

_I have an idea of who will be next, but do you have any suggestions for people that need help/counseling? :D_

_Peace and love!_

_chocolatexloverx16_


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N**: OMG. Sorry this took so long (actually, for me, this is fast… working on it!), but here it is! Crazier than ever, I'm afraid. Longer as well D:_

_**Thank you to**: My reviewers! 8D **Indigo Oblivion**, **Jamsthebestestfoodever**, **TheAUWalker**, **Maruki Shitoichi**, **Guest**, and last but not least, **Levells** :D_

_**Warnings**: Crazier than last time, and more inappropriate too XD I have a feeling it'll only get crazier as we go along… you have been warned! 8D_

_**Disclaimer**: If I was lucky enough to own them… the world would be much, much scarier D:_

Not even a day had passed since Winry was forced into counseling. It was hard-_so hard_-having her precious automail cleaner isolated in the confines of Edward's room, and not being able to touch it.

Not that she would just give up, of course. A few hours without the magical stuff, and she could already feel the withdrawal wreaking havoc on her system. She _needed it_, so badly.

_What was it Al told me to do… right, I must distract myself! Hey, I could talk to Edward, who by some strange coincidence is in his room right now! Perfect!_ Winry grinned insanely to herself, knowing she'd definitely be able to get to her precious cleaner, as long as Edward was distracted… The crazy grin on her face widened. She knew exactly what to do.

Making sure the coast was clear, she crept downstairs into the kitchen. She knew he was sound asleep, but better to be safe than sorry. Apparently, he was mysteriously knocked out and woke up in Al's office. _And all because he was too damn lazy to make himself a sandwich. Geez, the fact that he woke up in Al's office should be a sign that he needs to be there… that's it! I'll drag him to counseling. Should I wake him up first? Hm…_

She opened the fridge door, pulling out a container of Edward's _all-time favorite_ drink, and poured some into a glass. Her chemically-deprived brain thought that forcing Edward to confront his milk issues would more than take up her time. And while she does that, she can sneak her cleaner out of his room. _Two birds with one stone, this will be fun!_

She tip-toed upstairs into Edward's room. Noticing his door was open, she let herself in and analyzed his conscious state: only-a-short-comment-could-wake-him-up deep sleep. Even the scent of milk, his self-proclaimed arch nemesis, didn't rouse him.

She hid it with both hands behind her back. "Hey, wake up you small tiny little pipsqueak bean sprout midget! I wish to talk to you!" Winry shouted in his ear, potentially giving him hearing damage.

The response was immediate. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING SHORT?" The response was also angry. And slightly slurred due to drowsiness. But he'd be damned if he didn't reply to such an atrocity.

"Nobody…" Winry paused slyly, "because I never said short. However, I called you many other names, Edward."

"WINR-" was all he got out before he earned a wrench to the head. "Ow," he mumbled, rubbing both the back of his head and his forehead, "what'd you do that for?"

Winry sighed dramatically. "I'm sorry Edward! Will you please forgive me?" In a gesture of good will, she discarded all her wrenches into the hallway, out of reach.

Ed watched her do so, confused. _Why are her hands behind her back? Why hasn't she turned around? What is she hiding?_

She pulled the glass out from behind her, and held it out to him triumphantly. "Here you go! This is for you!" Winry smiled pleasantly.

He fidgeted, feeling very uneasy. What she was giving him looked an awful lot like milk, but the glass read _Not Milk_. Was she serious?

"I'm not drinking that cow juice," Ed firmly stated. "You can just forget about it."

Winry rolled her eyes. "It obviously says it's not milk right on the cup, see? Or did you not see that?" Her glance turned mischievous. "Some scientist you are, not even noticing the cold, hard facts shown to you."

Ed stared dully at the glass. "I saw what it says alright, but that doesn't mean anything. Actually, it looks like you wrote that on there…" he noticed her avert her gaze. "You did, didn't you?"

"… No. That was always there, I had nothing to do with it." She grinned widely at him. "Besides, if you think it's milk, you'll just have to prove it… by drinking it!"

"There is nothing in the world that could make me drink it!" Ed asserted, crossing his arms.

Winry didn't say anything like she always did, so Ed glanced at her face, seeing what her problem was…

… And he wished he didn't look. She was giving him the puppy dog eyes.

He fidgeted very nervously. She never does the puppy dog eyes, ever! However, Ed realized that he needs to stay alert for any and all danger. _It's probably a trap…_

He tears his gaze away from the terrifying sight. He must stay strong!

Winry gently nudged the milk-er, NOT milk-at him. "Please, Ed?" Her blue eyes were penetrating his very _soul_, the look was that effective.

"… Fine," he acquiesced, "but only so you'll stop bothering me about it. Give me the damn drink," he ordered bitterly.

(Ten minutes later)

It was a stalemate. Ed may have taken the drink, but that didn't mean he was drinking it! And Winry was certainly not letting up with those damn puppy dog eyes. _Where'd she learn those from anyway? My brother? It better not have been Mustang…_

Winry finally broke the silence. "You do know what this means right? Your absolute stubbornness signifies that you need to get some help. And your brother ought to be the perfect person to do the job, eh?" She nudged his shoulder. "What do you say?"

"No way! I do not need help!"

"Yes… you do. Because I said so," Winry retaliated firmly.

"Because you _said_ so? That's not a valid reas-"

Winry got up to replace the wrench she just threw, and replied, "Yes it is! Are you questioning my _logic_, Edward Elric?" she interrogated venomously.

Ed gulped. And here he thought she was scary beforehand…

Winry giggled. "You should see your face! It's hilarious!"

Ed grimaced. "Do you like causing me pain?"

"Of course not!" Winry gasped, "how could you ask such a thing?" She swung the wrench around and smacked the crown of his head. "Do you think I do this for fun? Of course not!"

"Actually-"

"Anyway… let's go! Al is waiting for you, you shouldn't keep him waiting!" Winry grabbed his hand and pulled him up with practiced ease. "Come on, get a move on Edward!"

"What I was trying to say-"

"Aha! I found it!" Winry exclaimed excitedly. "My life is whole again!"

"Winry, step away from the automail cleaner-" he started to say. _Wait… if she's distracted by that, then she might not force me to drink that crap anymore… What should I do? I want her to be healthy-but the cow juice… I just can't drink it!_

The former shorty battled his conscience the whole way to Al's office.

"If you're in a bind that needs fixing, or issues that need nix-"

"Yeah, yeah, it's me again Alphonse."

"Lieutenant?"

"Yeah… listen, I need to request your services again. Can I bring-"

"What? I can't hear you!" It was true; Al would never lie, especially not to a woman with a gun.

"Oh, I apologize." Riza hastily replied. "What's going on? I hear a lot of noise on your end. Is something wrong?"

"Oh! No, no, everything's fine. Better than fine, actually. I'm just having a security system installed…" Al trailed off. _From now on, nobody leaves until I say that they're dismissed._ "Anyway, I already saw the colonel today, I-"

Riza interrupted his yelling. "I'm not calling for the colonel this time. This time, it's Havoc that needs your counseling, Alphonse."

"Havoc? What's wrong with him?"

"Well, for starters, he has his smoking habi-"

"Right, could you write this down for me? I need it for my files," Al reminded her calmly. At her affirmation, he continued, "When do you plan on bringing him in?"

"Actually, I was going to bring him to you now if that's ok-"

"Normally that would be ok, but I'm going to be busy in just a couple minutes."

"How do you-"

All of a sudden, Riza could hear the wailing of a siren in her ear: _**Warning, warning, we have caught sight of a blond shorty and a wrench-wielding wench, we repeat, we have caught sight of a blond shorty and a wrench-wielding wench-**_

"… I see. I hope for your sake that they don't hear this warning of yours. I'll call again later, goodbye Alphonse." Riza promptly hung up.

Al hastily turned the alarm off. Lucky for him, the two sighted were none the wiser about the insults.

After all, he needed to prepare for an appointment, not his last moments.

"Why the serious face, Ed?" Winry asked, giggling between each word.

"Someone called me short, I just KNOW it!" Ed ranted, annoyed with Winry's lack of sobriety… and the jab at his (previous lack of) height.

Winry laughed even louder. "You never liked it when people called you short," she interrupted herself with some more incessant giggling. "Is it because you're… _small_ and embarrassed about it?" She asked mischievously, wiggling her eyebrows crazily.

"WINR-!"

"Hehe, look, we're here! Al! We're here! Alphonse!" Winry waved her arms about, believing that Al would let them inside immediately.

Ed's face was crimson, embarrassment and anger battling it out on his face. He wasn't sure before, but now he knew; he made the wrong choice. His only silver lining was that the milk was gone.

"Heheh, oh wait a minute, I can use the door to let us in!" Winry erupted in yet another fit of giggles. She then proceeded to push on the door.

Ed did his best to ignore his obvious discomfort. "It says pull, Winry. Pull on the handle!"

Winry's fit of giggles evolved into out of control laughter, which resulted in her falling to the ground. "Pull on the handle, eh?" she repeated with little coherency. "Is that what you want me to do, Edward?"

Ed rolled his eyes. "Duh, that's what the sign says-"

"Do you… think that will… make… you bigger… if I do?" Winry struggled to ask through all her mirth.

He decided then and there that he should just stop talking to her.

Al finally sat back down in his awesome counselor chair. He smiled uncharacteristically mischievously. _I sure hope brother likes the surprise I have for him…_

"Alphonse! What the hell is going on here! Explain yourself!"

Al grinned innocently. "I don't know what you're talking about, brother." He glanced at Winry. "Oh dear, you didn't listen, did you?"

Winry hiccupped. "What do you mean?"

"I _mean_, you had some chemicals, didn't you? I'm very disappointed, Winry… and brother! How could you let her do this to herself! This is destructive behavior!"

Ed was not listening; the only thing his senses were paying attention to was all the damn milk in the room! _Calm down, maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions… maybe that milk just goes with Al's cat theme? It couldn't possibly be for-_

"Anyway, Edward," Al changed his voice back to his professional tone, "I'm sure you know why the milk is here."

"… Because it goes so well with the cats?" Ed guessed desperately.

"Nope! That milk is all for you!" Al smiled invitingly. "So drink up!"

"Oh hell no. There is no way I'm doing that…" Edward trailed off, angry at the world this horrifying day. _Could this get any worse?_

"Oh, but you will," Al replied steadily, pressing a large red button on his desk, "because you aren't leaving here until you do."

"What?"

"You heard me, brother," Al responded lowly and dangerously. "You must confront your demons, and what better way than directly?"

Ed looked at his little brother, the kindest, most polite person that ever existed. He took a real long look at Alphonse. "Why? Why today? Is it not bad enough that I was already here? That I'm probably suffering from some sort of brain damage-?"

"I think he does have brain damage, Alphonse," Winry giggled some more. "Because he thought he heard a voice call him short just before we arrived. Weird, huh?" she hiccupped, easily ignoring Ed's objection to being called a pipsqueak midget that was so tiny he could actually avoid being wrenched. _Hehehe, yeah right. Ed will never be able to avoid my wrenches!_

Al's smile twitched. "Yeah… that is weird. We should probably get that looked at too, shouldn't we?"

(50 minutes later)

Ed's face was covered in nervous sweat. He hadn't caved in yet, and the milk was still taunting him. Ed and the milk have been in this stalemate for the whole time, naturally.

Winry was finally starting to sober up as well. For this, both brothers were eternally grateful; each one tried to take advantage of the other's thankfulness.

Ed tried to persuade Al to let him go; Al tried to persuade Ed to drink the milk. So far, neither had budged; it was another stalemate.

Alphonse had his right hand covering the 'emergency escape' button, and his left covering the 'regular escape' button. He vaguely noticed a 'plan b' button. What does that one even mean? What would happen if he pressed it?

His left hand moved towards the 'plan b' button, too curious for his own good.

Al pressed the button.

"What's going on?" Al questioned out loud. There was a huge tremor directly under the floor, which lasted a good twenty seconds.

"What the hell was that?" Ed demanded to know.

"Are we all going to die?" Winry gasped in horror. In desperation, she brought her cleaner out and took a big whiff.

"Winry! No!" Al started to scold her.

"Are you avoiding my question, little brother?" Edward asked sternly.

"N-no, of course not, brother. To be honest with you…" Al rubbed the side of his neck sheepishly, "I have no idea what that tremor was…"

Ed growled. "Great, just great. Not only that, but we're stuck here! Let us out of here Alphonse!"

"R-right," Al responded hastily. "Let me press the 'regular escape' button."

Nothing happened. "Ok… let me try the 'emergency escape' button. That one definitely will work!"

Al pushed the button. Nothing happened. He pushed it again. Still nothing. He started jabbing it repeatedly, desperately hoping that it'd work.

"Al, it's not working!" Winry yelled. "We're doomed!"

There was a second tremor, which lasted for ten seconds this time. Then, the middle of the floor alchemically exploded, leaving a crater in its wake.

And a mysterious figure as well.

"WHO PUSHED THE 'PLAN B' BUTTON?"

Ed and Winry pointed at Al immediately, fearing the voice.

The figure snapped their gaze on Al. "ALPHONSE, YOU SHALL PAY FOR THIS!"

The mysterious person then glared at Ed, and started to walk out of the debris. "AND YOU!"

Ed yelped. "Me?"

"EDWARD, WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN DRINKING YOUR MILK?"

He swallowed his fear and retorted with, "THAT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!"

"IT IS MY BUSINESS, EDWARD ELRIC," the person finally was revealed to the trio, "or have you forgotten?"

"T-Teacher!" Ed and Al chorused. "What are you doing here?"

Izumi's left eye subtly twitched. "WHY DON'T YOU SOUND HAPPY TO SEE ME, BOYS?"

"W-we are, ma'am!" The brothers said, bowing due to respect and fear.

But mostly fear.

Izumi half-smiled. "Good! Now Edward…" she paused for dramatic effect, "DRINK THE DAMN MILK, OR I WILL TEACH YOU A LESSON YOU WON'T FORGET!" she threatened while cracking her knuckles.

"Y-y-y-yes, yes ma'am!" Ed stuttered uncontrollably, looking quite blue in the face.

(9 Hours Later)

"A-am I done yet?" Ed whimpered. "What have I done to deserve this…?"

Al sighed. "Teacher is gone, brother. And so is the milk. Winry left several _hours_ ago, it's just you and me now…" Al sighed again. He was so exhausted; his first day has been busy after all.

Al lowered his head in shame. Instead of helping his brother with his problems, he only scarred him even more. Could he possibly counsel Ed back to normal now?

Edward wasn't faring much better. His face was an interesting combination of blue, green, red, and white. And he feels certain about one thing:

He should have just stayed in bed today.

_**A/N**: FINALLY FINISHED! YAY! I wasn't expecting it to be this long O.O_

_Anyway, I did have a question: should Al counsel for people that weren't around anymore at the end of Brotherhood? Say… our favorite photo-obsessed military man?_

_Peace and love!_

_chocolatexloverx16_


	4. Chapter 4

_**A/N**: Heylo! I'm on the 4th chapter finally! This is so exciting 8D_

_**Thanks to**: All my reviewers 8D **Guest, Who really cares about my name, wish4euphoria, Indie, and Guest/Levells** x3 I feel so warm and fuzzy inside :D_

_**Warnings**: This has not changed… still cracky and crazy! Riza is still crazy scary as always 8D And poor Al, having a case of the Mondays… D8 And, and talk about breasts XD_

_**Disclaimer**: I don't own this lovely masterpiece… not even a little bit T.T_

It had been a day since Riza last called Alphonse, requesting help for Lieutenant Havoc. Al did tell her he was busy at the time, but surely… she could try again now? _I'm sure he knows better than to keep women waiting for too long._

Mind made up, Riza dialed the number without looking at the phone; she's dialed it enough times by now.

"If you're in a bind that-"

"It's Riza… again." Hawkeye interrupted impatiently.

"Ah yes, how may I be of assistance today?" Al politely asked the lovely woman with a gun.

The lieutenant sighed in annoyance. "Look, are you free to take Havoc yet?"

Alphonse hummed pensively. "I believe so… ah yes, I'm wide open today."

Riza's face broke out in a grin. "Perfect! I'll bring him right over! Thanks Al!"

She hung up before he could utter a single word in response.

.

Lieutenant Havoc looked up warily when he saw the happy-go-lucky Hawkeye waltzing up to his desk. _Hawkeye has been on the phone much more than usual this week… and she keeps looking in my direction when talking to whoever it is. This can't be good; I need to keep my guard up._

She saluted sharply; a gesture he mirrored somewhat lazily. "I have good news, Jean."

Havoc's eyes almost bulged out of his head. _Since when does she call me Jean? This must be more serious than I thought._ "What good news would that be, Lieutenant?"

Riza smiled mischievously. _He really doesn't know? Well, this ought to be fun…_ "Very good news! I've booked you an appointment, and we'll get your issues taken care of! Isn't that great?"

The way she was grinning at him sent chills down his spine. "U-um, my issues? What are you talking about?" Surely she knew that his love for big boobs was natural? _I don't have any issues…_

Riza rolled her eyes. "For starters, your smoking habit? I've let this destructive behavior go on too long," she gazed at him in disappointment, "and you should know better!"

"I've been smoking for years-"

"And another thing, you have an unhealthy obsession with voluptuous, large-breasted women, and you need to confront this problem, Jean Havoc!" Riza all but shouted in his face.

Havoc gulped nervously. "Ok, I don't know what you mean by _voluptuous_, but the other part is NOT a problem-" he started protesting.

Riza simply cocked her gun in his face in retaliation.

"I-I mean, whatever you say, ma'am." Havoc stuttered anxiously. _Why is she pointing that thing at me? I'm not the colonel._

Riza smiled again. "That's more like it."

He swore he heard her cackle deviously. _Why is Lieutenant Hawkeye acting so bizarre? And SCARY? This is not normal, she needs help for it-_

"Excuse me?" Riza questioned harshly.

"What?" Havoc asked, confused. _What did I say?_

Riza narrowed her eyes dangerously. "I do not need _help_, Havoc. How dare you even suggest such a thing," she replied quietly.

Havoc found the strength to break eye contact and search elsewhere for some help. He spotted the colonel, who was making panicked hand motions, and gesturing to Hawkeye.

"Huh-" Havoc managed to utter before the blackness got to him. The very same blackness Roy and Ed experienced just a day ago, in fact.

Riza blinked. "Again? Really?" _At least he won't resist when I bring him in to Alphonse... but I'll need help getting him there…_

"Colonel!" Riza shouted, "give me a hand, would you?"

The colonel immediately straightened up in his seat. "A hand? For what?"

"Are you blind, sir? I can't very well carry him all the way to Alphonse's office! Now get over here and help me!" Riza demanded angrily, aiming her gun at her superior.

"Y-yes, of course Hawkeye, right on it!" Roy replied, visibly paler than usual.

The rest of the crew-Breda, Falman, Fuery-only stared when they witnessed Colonel Roy Mustang and Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye pick Havoc up off the floor, and carry him out the door; Roy had the legs, and Riza the arms.

Riza smiled innocently at them. "You're next," was all she said to them before manipulating Havoc's hands to shut the doors.

The trio almost soiled themselves out of terror.

.

Alphonse Elric sighed, rubbing his temples. He had just gotten off the phone with the lieutenant about five minutes ago, and vaguely noticed a headache forming. _Oh great, the day has barely started, and I already want to go back home… but I couldn't bear to upset the lieutenant. She'd probably shoot me._

He stared at the crater in the middle of his office, and groaned. "Where's my construction crew? I told them to be here an hour ago! Must I do everything myself?" Al grumbled aloud, none too pleased with the situation. _It must be Monday, nothing is going right at all…_

He sighed irritably, and clapped his hands together, then touched the floor, hoping to fix the problem himself.

Instead of a nice, clean floor, he ended up with a statue of Izumi in the middle of kicking his ass, about to fly into his laughing brother. _What the hell…?_

Frustrated, but not about to give up, he clapped and tried again. Instead of the result he wanted, the statue changed slightly. Al colliding into his now horrified looking brother.

He frowned, confused. _Why is my alchemy not working?_ He sighed, but decided to try one last time. He clapped once more and touched the statue.

It changed from a statue to a message on the ground:

_Don't mess with the housewife, for she is the best!_

Al turned away; it would have to do for now. He sat back down in his super amazing counselor cat chair, and allowed himself a bit of lounging time. _I could get used to this relaxa-_

There was a sudden, shrill alarm blaring in his ears. _Beware the flaming pony and the trigger-happy sharpshooter, beware the flaming pony and the trigger-happy sharpshooter-_

"Who the hell is the flaming pon-oh, it's the colonel. Who came up with this alarm system anyway? It has such insane code names for people…" Al muttered. _Oh well, better hope they don't hear that… And now… I wait._

.

Roy paused suddenly, and twitched. "Did you say something?"

Riza stared dully at the colonel. "No, you must be hearing things. More proof yet that you're crazy, sir," she deadpanned.

"Hey!" Roy interjected, pouting. "You could be a little nicer, Hawkeye."

She took a moment before replying with, "Nah."

"Anyway… we're here! Thank goodness, Havoc is _heavy_," Roy complained.

Riza growled. "Stop your damn complaining and pick your end back up! We're only here to give possession of Havoc over to Alphonse, and leave."

Roy whimpered in an unmanly fashion, but complied. _Is it just my imagination, or is she starting to sound like Major General Armstrong? Scary…_

"What are you waiting for? Ring the doorbell, knock on the door, _something_," Riza ordered impatiently.

"R-right!" the mighty Flame Alchemist stammered in reply, knocking thrice.

.

Al jumped at the three rapid knocks on his door. "Come in! It's open!" He put on his most convincing happy face for his potential patients, pretending not to know it was the colonel and the lieutenant.

He ignored the grumbling, struggling and swearing emanating from the other side of the door, and watched cautiously as the door finally opened.

Mustang and Hawkeye were carrying the unconscious form of…

"Excuse me, is that Lieutenant Havoc?" Al blurted out, afraid of the answer.

"Yes, yes it is," Riza answered casually with a shrug. "What's wrong with that?"

"Well… nothing… but will he be alright? He looks as if he won't wake up anytime soon," Al replied as casually as he could.

"Of course, he's not dead or anything," Riza responded smoothly, ignoring Roy's wild hand gestures.

Al watched warily as Roy pointed at Riza, then made a gun out of his hand, and swung it around in mid-air, pantomiming knocking a person out. All with a look of horror on his face.

"… Right. Well, care to explain why you brought him here, before he wakes up?"

"Oh, right, well, you see, like I said on the phone-" she was interrupted by some paperwork landing in her lap. "Ok, ok, we'll fill it out…" Riza agreed, slyly slipping the paperwork into Roy's lap. "Fill it out, colonel. He's your subordinate, after all."

"Do I have to-"

She cocked her gun in his face.

"… Ok… but you have to be nice the rest of the day!" Roy commanded childishly, arms folded.

Riza sighed, rolling her eyes. "_Fine_, now do your work!"

Al took out his handy dandy counselor notebook, and wrote:

_The lieutenant and the colonel sound like an old married couple. Creepy._

Riza glanced towards Al as he finished writing that up. "What are you writing Alphonse?" she asked curiously.

Roy piped up. "He's reminding himself to have my harem ready for me next time I'm here," he smiled. "That boy, he makes me so proud!"

"Alphonse… don't give him a harem, he doesn't need anymore distractions. Please do not let him talk you into a harem. He is manipulating you; don't let him."

"Bu-"

"End of discussion, Roy. No buts."

.

Havoc opened his eyes, only to discover he was NOT in the office anymore. Well… not the _right_ office anyway.

"Where the hell…?" Havoc murmured to himself.

"Hello, Lieutenant Havoc! Welcome back to the conscious world," a nearby voice greeted him.

The gears in his head were turning rapidly, trying to figure out who the speaker was…

"Alphonse? Is that you?" he asked, stunned. _When did Al get here?_

"Yep! It's me," Al answered, "and you are in my office."

"How'd I get here? I was at the command center just a little bit ago…"

"Oh, the colonel and Lieutenant Hawkeye brought you here. Apparently," he held up the paperwork, "you have some issues that were brought to my attention."

Havoc blinked wearily. "What issues? I don't have any issues."

Al hummed in response, and scribbled down a note:

_Poor lieutenant, has no idea how deep in denial he is…_

"Then explain your smoking to me," Al spoke softly, calmly, the way a true counselor should sound. For a true counselor he was.

"I've been smoking for years, kid. It's just that Hawkeye recently developed some sort of opposition to it. I really don't understand women…" he sighed wistfully.

Al nodded in agreement. "Yeah, they can be very difficult to understand. But I don't have any problems with them!" he exclaimed excitedly.

Havoc shook his head. "Don't rub it in, please. Not all members of the male species are as lucky."

Alphonse smiled sheepishly. "Sorry," he apologized while ruffling through the paperwork Roy hesitantly filled out. "They also said you have some sort of obsession with… voluptuous big-breasted women? Care to explain that one to me?"

Havoc frowned. "I still don't know what voluptuous means, but I cannot deny that I love those big boobs, man. You know what I mean?" He asked, stars in his eyes.

"Um… not really… but sure," Al responded slowly, and very carefully. Boobs were very dangerous territory after all; not something he'd dare breach quite yet.

Havoc smirked. "Oh, trust me kid, you'll know soon enough."

"… Right."

"Yeah. And for the most part, they love me too. But there was this one gorgeous woman, that rejected me flat-out," he sighed shakily. "Is it ok if I tell you about it? I've never really talked to anyone about this, it's so embarrassing…"

Al nodded, smiling slightly. "Sure, go ahead. I'm listening."

"Thanks. Anyway, a long time ago-years ago-I was just starting to get over one of my girlfriends," he hesitated, "she left me for the colonel, actually. Anyway, I was starting to finally get over her, when suddenly, Major Armstrong decided to set me up with his sister-"

Al gasped. "He set you up with the Major General, Olivier Mira Armstrong? How did you survive that?" he blurted without thinking.

Havoc chuckled. "No, no, not the infamous Ice Queen. He set me up with his youngest sister, Catherine Elle Armstrong. Well, tried to set me up anyway. I wasn't sure what to expect when I met her, but she certainly surprised me. She barely looked like an Armstrong at all! She's actually normal height, normal size-like the major general-but smaller, and shy."

Al nodded occasionally, trying to keep up with the description. _A nicer version of Major General Armstrong? I'll have to meet her someday._

"… but it all went wrong. See, she told me first that she always dreamt of meeting a man like me. _Like me_. Then she said… she said…" Havoc closed his eyes, trying to remember the exact words. "She said 'I've always dreamed of meeting a man, just like you… except with a more muscular physique like my brother's. I'm sorry, but maybe we should just forget this ever happened.'" Havoc made a face at the impression, then lowered his voice back to normal, "I felt as if I had been stabbed, and practically disintegrated to the floor." He shook his head sadly. "Rejection is one of the worst things in life, kid, it really is…"

Al nodded fervently. "I agree, rejection can really do things to a man," he replied, making it up as he went along, "it's as if the women enjoy tormenting us, huh?"

Havoc nodded slowly. "Now you get it! Word of advice: Don't ask a girl out on a date unless you know for sure she'll accept. You'll be dead to the world if she says no; believe me, I know what I'm talking about," he reached over the desk and patted Al on the arm.

"Hmmm, I shall keep that in mind, thank you. Was there anything else you felt like talking about?"

Havoc shook his head. "Nah, not really…"

Al nodded. "Ok, then-"

"Actually, there is something I'd like to ask you," Havoc began eagerly.

"Yeah, lieutenant?" Al asked, slightly hesitant.

"Do you happen to have any lady-friends I could meet?" Havoc asked anxiously.

Al didn't say anything at first. He only stared at the man sitting across from him.

"Do you, Alphonse? You could be doing me a huge favor!"

"Um… no. No, I do not. Why would you even ask that?" Al finally replied with some disgust in his tone.

Havoc shrugged light-heartedly. "It was only a question, don't get so wound up… you know, you should try getting some counseling, kid, it might loosen you up a little bit!"

"Lieutenant-!"

It was too late. Lieutenant Jean Havoc managed to escape the office unscathed. It took Al only a moment to figure out _why_.

"Oh no, I forgot to turn the alarm system back on!" Al cried out in horror. _Next time… next time he shall remember…_

_**A/N**: Finally! I finished! It only took about a week… sorry! I'll try not to take this long next time, I'm hoping to get it out in the next few days, I have a plan for the next two chapters, so hold tight! :D_

_**Note**: I have decided that I will somehow get a Hughes chapter in here later on. Would you like that? :3_

_Peace and love!_

_chocolatexloverx16_


	5. Chapter 5

_**A/N**: Hey there! How are ya? :D Ready to see if Riza has any success with her session (or her confrontation for that matter)? So am I! I think…_

_**Thanks to**: All my reviewers so far, I love it! *warm and fuzzy* ^^ Hopefully I can keep this up to par :3_

_**Warnings**: Same as always, with some trickery thrown in for fun._

_**Disclaimer**: I don't even own my sanity._

It had been a terribly long, extremely stressful day for Mustang and his men. Even Havoc, who had his counseling appointment that day, was not off the hook. He even went as far as to forge a note from Al saying that he shouldn't strain himself; of course, Lieutenant Hawkeye didn't buy it.

"What? Al wrote it, not me!" Havoc argued.

Riza resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "Lieutenant Havoc," she let some annoyance seep into her voice, "Alphonse knows how to spell his own name."

"W-what are you talking about?" he faltered, unsure of his now failing scheme. "Isn't that how his name is spelled?"

Riza sighed. "It is spelled A-l-p-h-o-n-s-e, Havoc. Not A-l-f-o-n-z-e… really. You've known him HOW long?"

Havoc averted his eyes and muttered, "It's not like I've ever seen his name on paper or anything…"

.

Mustang resisted the urge to set his paperwork on fire for the hundred and forty-third time within the last ten minutes. Each time, the urge was much harder to resist. In fact, the only reason his paperwork was still recognizable was because of the all-too-knowing glares and unspoken threats from his lieutenant.

Lieutenant Riza Hawkeye was the reason this day was so stressful; her and her gun made sure of that. It almost pained Mustang to see his other subordinates trembling before the woman and not doing anything to help them. Almost.

His own fear prevented him from feeling bad for them, of course.

Quarter after five that evening, there was a knock at his office door; he knew in his gut that it was Hawkeye with more paperwork for him to do.

He cleared his throat. "Come in, Lieutenant Hawkeye," he commanded calmly.

As the door was opening, his nerves got the better of him, and he kept his eyes solely on his paperwork. He didn't dare spare a glance at his lieutenant, for he was sure she was pointing her gun at him.

Mustang listened as Hawkeye cleared her throat awkwardly. "Sir," she said in a strange voice, cleared her throat again, and continued. "Here is more paperwork for you to do."

"R-right, I'm on it," Mustang cringed at the sound of yet another huge pile of paperwork plopping on his desk.

"Make sure you do it, sir… and give Lieutenant Havoc a vacation sir!"

Roy froze, and then finally looked up. "Lieutenant Haw-Havoc! What the hell are you doing?" In anger and annoyance, he snapped his fingers before giving Havoc a chance to respond.

All Havoc could respond with was panic and screaming. "My eyebrows, my eyebrows!" were his parting words as he left the office.

Breda and Falman both shot Fuery knowing glances. "You owe us, Fuery."

Fuery groaned. "Not again…" was all he muttered, before paying up.

Lieutenant Hawkeye blinked at the chaotic scene. _At least Havoc put the fire out. What did he do to the colonel anyway?_ Her own eyebrow twitched in annoyance. _I guess it doesn't matter, but they all need to shut up and get back to work._

The chaos died down the instant she clicked the safety off her gun. One look at her angry face-and that weapon-was all the encouragement the men needed to resume their work.

.

Mustang growled in anger. What was Havoc trying to pull anyway? _He probably offered to deliver the paperwork to get on Hawkeye's good side… bastard._

He was about to incinerate the stack when something caught his eye:

_**URGENT!** Colonel, we need your help. Meet us here tonight, after Hawkeye is gone.._

After reading the note, he burned the stack of paperwork. No good in leaving evidence, after all. _Urgent, huh? And a meeting without Hawkeye? I guess I can't complain… it'd be nice not to have a gun pointed in my face…_

.

At seven sharp, Mustang briskly walked towards Hawkeye. "Lieutenant," he greeted her.

"Is something wrong, sir?" Hawkeye asked casually.

"No, nothing's wrong, I was just wondering if you'd like to go home early tonight, and leave the rest of your work to us?" Mustang asked hesitantly.

She narrowed her eyes by a fraction. "Are you implying something, colonel?"

Mustang gulped. "I don't know what you mean, lieutenant."

Riza raised an eyebrow. "Do you want me to leave, sir?"

Roy suddenly had the feeling that he'd stepped in a minefield. One wrong move, and he'd be done for…

"No, of course not! We-I just want you to relax, take a night off for yourself is all, hahaha." Mustang laughed nervously, hoping desperately that she'd buy it.

She sighed, rubbing her temples. _Men just love to give me headaches, don't they?_ "Fine, I can go home early, I suppose…" she trailed off, noticing the excited look on Roy's face. She swiftly aimed the gun at his head. "Don't look so happy that I'm leaving, now, sir."

"Ok, ok, I won't! Just please don't hit me with your gun, lieutenant!" he stammered anxiously.

"Why would you think that I would do something like that, colonel? I wouldn't hit you with my gun," Riza responded, confused.

Roy only gawked disbelievingly when she walked away.

.

"Ok, spill. Why did you want to hold a meeting?"

Havoc snorted. "Oh, please, like you really don't know. You've seen how Hawkeye has been acting lately, and we need to stop it."

Falman nodded. "Yes, her destructive and violent behavior is not healthy, or normal, sir. We're worried." _And scared._

"And scared," Breda and Fuery chorused.

"… I see. And how do you suggest we get he-" Mustang's face lit up with a sudden revelation. He snapped his fingers, and the others flinched. They didn't need to; he wasn't wearing his gloves.

"Gentlemen," Roy spoke in an urgent, hushed voice, "I know what we have to do, but we'll need some help executing this plan."

They nodded. Each and every member of the team knew they could use all the help they could get. Hawkeye was very dangerous after all.

Fuery, Breda, Falman, and Havoc gathered around Mustang's desk, while Roy dialed a number on his telephone.

.

Edward groaned irritably. Who the hell would be calling him at granny's?

When he voiced this complain to Winry, she whacked him on the head with her fist. "What makes you think it's for you, you idiot? I bet it's one of my loyal customers!"

Rubbing the new wound on his head with one hand, he picked up the phone with the other. "What do you want?" he greeted quite rudely.

"You don't have to be so rude, Fullmetal," the voice on the other end said.

At the same time, Winry wrenched him for forgetting his manners. ("You could be scaring away potential customers, you moron!")

Ed twitched. "Fine. What is it you require my assistance for, colonel?" Edward ground out through his teeth.

Mustang laughed whole-heartedly. "I'm glad you asked! We need your help, you see, Hawkeye, well, we've decided to get her counseling, and we-"

"No way. She'd kill me for trying to help _you_. It was bad enough getting Winry to go ther-"

Mustang heard a thud on the other end of the line, and some swearing. He sighed. "… What's going on, Fullmetal?"

Ed glared at Winry. "Seriously, could you stop doing that? You're damaging precious brain cells!"

"Hmph! As if! Your head is too hard for me to damage it." Winry narrowed her eyes at the phone. "What's going on anyway?"

Before Ed could say anything, she yanked the phone out of his grip, and asked Mustang herself. "What's going on, colonel?"

"Long story short… we're trying to get Lieutenant Hawkeye some counseling. But," he paused pensively, "she'd never go willingly. That's why we need Fullmetal's help. Yours too," he added as an afterthought. "I think you'd be able to speak to Hawkeye, one on one, and convince her easily to get the help she needs!"

Winry sighed. "Oh really? What do I get for doing this favor for you?"

Ed snatched the phone back before Roy could respond. "Better question, what do _I_ get? I'm not doing this for free, you know."

Roy sweated nervously, trying to think of valid payment for them. "Well…"

Ed tapped his foot impatiently. "I'm waiting…"

"We have… sandwiches?" Roy offered desperately.

"Done! I'll be right there!" Ed dropped the phone and ran off to gather his stuff together.

Winry picked the phone up slowly. "You never answered my question, Colonel Roy Mustang. What do I get for helping you?"

"Um… we have automail cleaner!" Roy blurted, knowing her weakness as well somehow.

Winry perked up. "Oh, hell yes, I'll be there too!" She ran out of the room without bothering to hang up either.

"… Hello? Anyone there?" Roy questioned. All he heard was silence.

Actually, he heard excited chatter and stomping around in the background, however neither one seemed to hear him.

Annoyed, he hung up. "Ok, they shall be here very soon, judging by their enthusiasm…"

His men nodded in relief. "Hopefully they can help us!" Fuery said anxiously.

"But it is kind of embarrassing, having to ask for their help, isn't it?" Havoc asked, annoyed.

Breda smirked. "Like you're one to talk, Havoc. Besides, you don't want her to knock you out again do you? She'll probably make one of us help drag your ass out of the office too!"

"Anyway," Roy interrupted a little louder than was necessary, "what's done is done. We just need this to go over smoothly. No mistakes, men!"

"Yes sir!"

Mustang drew himself up to his full height. "This is our most important mission yet. There will be no failure. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes sir!"

"Good. Now do her paperwork while we wait for Ed and Winry to show up," Mustang demanded.

"What?"

.

Ed and Winry somehow made it to Central without any more injuries, and were currently walking inside Central Command.

Each were preoccupied with their own thoughts of the prize.

_Sandwiches…_

_Automail cleaner…_

"Glad you could make it," a voice pulled both out of their fantasies. "We need a plan for tomorrow morning." Roy informed the two daydreaming blondes.

.

The next morning arrived all too quickly in Mustang's opinion. Hawkeye usually started at seven thirty sharp each morning.

It was seven twenty-two.

Winry sighed. "Are you sure this will work?" She questioned, looking at her reflection in the mirror. "I really don't think she'll fall for it…" Winry trailed off uncertainly.

"What are you talking about, of course it will work," Roy reassured her confidently. "Who better for Hawkeye to hear the truth from than herself?"

Winry pointed at herself. "And since I look _so_ much like Miss Riza, you want me to impersonate her and tell her to go to counseling?"

Ed nodded, though he hated to be agreeing with Mustang. "Dressed up in the uniform, and with your hair the same way as hers, you could almost pass for the lieutenant… kinda scary," he grinned nervously.

Winry didn't even bother telling them her eyes were a different color. _Imbeciles, I swear… they still better give me my automail cleaner!_

.

Riza Hawkeye strolled through the Command Center, heading towards her office. _Hopefully they behave themselves today._

However, the last thing she expected to see… was herself, already present and accounted for.

Her clone immediately noticed she arrived, and strode right over. The clone stared Riza down and said, "We need to talk."

For a split second, Riza panicked. _Am I breaking up with… myself?_ She quickly shook her head to get rid of such strange thoughts. _Get a hold of yourself, Riza! Something fishy is going on here, and hopefully this look-a-like can explain what's happening._

Still, something definitely felt suspicious about this… clone of hers. For one thing, why did she look so familiar? _Because she looks just like you!_

.

Winry stared doubtfully at Miss Riza. Was this plan actually working? Though… it didn't seem like the lieutenant was listening to her at all. In fact, it seemed that Riza was lost in her own little world at the moment.

She glanced at the guys momentarily, feeling unsure about what to do. Shifting her gaze back to the lieutenant, she tried again. "Excuse me, are you in there anywhere?"

Snapping back to attention, Hawkeye's sharp stare focused in on her clone. "Who are you, and why do you look so familiar?"

Winry sighed, feeling bored and needing her cleaner. "It's because I'm you, of course."

"If you're me, why do you have blue eyes?" Riza challenged.

"… Optical illusion?" Winry answered desperately.

Riza's face went completely blank, effectively making Winry nervous. In fact, Winry started shaking.

"Fullmetal," Roy whispered, "is she afraid of Hawkeye?"

Ed shook his head. "Nah, that's just her withdrawal symptom. She'll be fine!" He took a bite of his fifth sandwich. "I hope for you sake that you have the automail cleaner, otherwise she might wrench you to death."

Roy hid the terror he felt at being wrenched to death. _That does not sound like a better way to go at all… but which is worse?_ He shifted his attention to his men. "Falman, Breda, Havoc, Fuery… I have a mission for you: Get me automail cleaner, on the double!" Roy ordered desperately. They saluted quickly, then left on their mission.

Meanwhile, Winry only became more nervous at Riza's blank expression. _Why isn't she doing anything?_

"WINRY!"

The girl in question jumped about a foot in the air, before she realized that Riza was the one who yelled. "Yes?"

"Why are you dressed like me?" Riza asked calmly.

Winry looked away. "W-well..." she stuttered, "I'm supposed to convince you to go to counseling!" Winry blurted quickly. And before Riza could say or do anything, Winry kept talking. "I was promised my precious automail cleaner if I could just convince you to go, so please, Miss Riza? Pretty please? I'm dying here…" she trailed off pitifully.

Riza couldn't bring herself to be angry with the girl. She even smiled gently. "For you? Sure, I can go. What would be the harm, right?"

Winry giggled. "Yeah, no harm at all! Hahaha!"

Roy and Ed were wearing matching dumbstruck expressions. "They really agreed that fast?"

"Yeah, I'm surprised too Fullmetal. You'd think both of them would be angry right now, but… we seem to be off the hook!" Roy grinned triumphantly.

Roy was too busy gloating to notice Winry walk up to him, and raise her wrench high in the air; it glinted ominously.

"Where is my automail cleaner, colonel?"

Mustang reassured her that his men were on it, but not before she targeted his skull twice.

.

Outside Al's office stood Roy, Ed, Winry, and Riza. Once the four men acquired the automail cleaner, Winry wrenched them for taking so long. Needless to say, they stayed behind at Central Command.

"Ok, Miss Riza, you'll be just fine. In fact, when I was counseled, I was only there for about fifteen minutes!" Winry attempted to reassure the lieutenant.

Roy decided to add his two cenz. "Look, lieutenant, just promise me you'll be nicer when you come back to the office, ok?"

And of course, Ed had to say something too. "As long as you don't run into…" he leaned in dramatically, "'Plan B'." He shuddered violently.

Riza blinked. "Right. I'll be back shortly." The three watched her enter the office fearlessly.

They would do well to remember that she has been here before, of course.

.

The alarm was blaring again. Al sighed. _Flaming pony, blond shorty, wrench-wielding wench, and a trigger-happy sharpshooter have entered the base. I repeat, flaming pony, blond shorty, wrench-wielding wench, and a trigger-happy sharpshooter have entered the base. An attack was launched at them, I repeat, an attack was launched-_

Al slammed his head on his desk. _This is what happens when I try to fix my alarm… hope they'll be all right._

.

Riza and Winry happened to see Roy and Ed twitch. "What's wrong?" Winry asked.

"Someone said something about me!" Both males answered simultaneously.

Both girls blinked in bewilderment. Winry then looked over at Riza. "Um… you go on ahead, I'll take care of them!"

Riza nodded, and opened the door…

… And a bunch of ninja kitties filed out of Al's office.

"… What the hell?" Ed spoke first, being the quickest to recover from shock.

Winry took a sniff of her cleaner, then exhaled slowly. "The only way we can fight them is to distract them; Edward, give them your sandwiches," she explained coherently.

"What? I can't do that!" Ed protested loudly.

Roy shook his head. "It's worth a shot, and we can always get more later! Hurry up and just take one for the team, Fullmetal!"

Edward looked close to tears, but put his brave face on and threw his sandwiches at these mysterious ninja kitties.

His sacrifice was not in vain; they took the bait, and left the humans alone.

.

"Welcome, Riza, I have been expecting you!" Al greeted cheerfully.

"How did you know I would be here?" Riza questioned him, dumbfounded.

Alphonse smiled knowingly. "It comes with the job; I just know these things," he told her. _The alarm helps me figure it out, too._

Riza smiled hesitantly. "Right… anyway, I guess you'll want paperwork? Because I made Roy fill it out before we left," she paused briefly. "Then he made me promise I wouldn't look at it when he was done."

Al nodded his understanding. "I see…" he trailed off, focusing his energy on decoding what it says. "He's almost as bad as brother…"

Riza sighed; she was bored out of her mind! It was definitely fun signing her team up for this counseling thing, but being here for herself? Preposterous!

"I see now! The colonel says you have a bad habit of swinging your gun at people-he wrote down three cases so far-and that you threaten him with your gun too much. What do you think about that?"

Riza snorted. "That's a bunch of crap. I don't overuse my gun, not at all. And knocking people out? I don't know what he's talking about."

Al sighed; he knew this was not going to go over well. "Lieutenant-"

Riza snapped her gaze on him. "Are you implying that I'm lying, Alphonse Elric?"

Al flinched at the venom in her voice. "Of course not, Miss Hawkeye. I'm only trying-"

Next thing she knew, Alphonse was unconscious, but he was not on the floor. His counselor cat chair held him for the time being.

Riza blinked. _Again? Wait a minute… this has happened three times before… with Roy… and Ed… and Havoc too. They aren't suggesting that I did this, are they?_

She sighed. Surely she'd remember doing something as awful as knocking her friends out?

Fed up with just sitting in her seat, she got up, and tried to walk out of the office. _The door is locked? Oh, right, the security system! I just need to disable it, and I'm good to go…_

Lieutenant Hawkeye snuck behind the desk, roughly a couple feet away from Alphonse's sleeping form. In front of her were several buttons. One of the buttons said "plan b", and all her instincts told her not to touch that one. Moving on, she discovered a red "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, disable the alarms" button.

_Alphonse won't like this… but I'm leaving now._

She pressed the button.

.

Alphonse came to, and realized he was in his counselor chair. "What happened?"

He glanced quickly at his office, and discovered the lieutenant was gone. _Great, how'd she get out of here?_

Looking down at his buttons, he found the giant red button destroyed. She pushed the red button, and escaped!

Fuming, he vowed that he would make her pay…

… For a new red button.

And he would be ready for her the next time. Alphonse was not the type to be fooled twice by the same trick!

With that thought in mind, he came to a conclusion:

It was time to go on a vacation…

In Xing!

_**A/N**: Finally! Finished! YAY!_

_Not coherent right now, sorry XD Any thoughts on the chapter are welcome ^^_

_Peace and love_

_chocolatexloverx16_


	6. Chapter 6

_**A/N**: May's chapter! Yay! (Sorry this took so long… *cries*)_

_**Warnings**: Same as before, however, add the element of obsession… and shrines XD More swearing and fiery pain D: (I'm probably gonna go to hell for this chapter… good grief.)_

_I would also like to note that a few random things might be hinted at/explained; that is all x3_

_**Disclaimer**: I do not own a shrine of any kind :(_

"Brother, Winry, I appreciate that you're trying to help me pack," Al began, "but please, for the love of cats, STOP."

Ed acted like Al didn't say anything and continued sorting through Al's clothes. "You know, I think you have a very unhealthy cat obsession…" he drifted off, picking up yet another pair of Calico shorts.

"I do not! There is nothing unhealthy about my love for them, ok? They're just amazing is all," Al defended himself. "And besides, cats used to be worshipped by people, you know, so what I'm doing is not unusual!" he declared ambitiously, lifting up a shirt with a Tabby cuddled up with a Maine Coon. He carefully folded it and set it gingerly into his suitcase, before picking up a pair of socks with Persians mirroring each other on them.

"Oh, I don't know about that Al," Winry replied, sniffing her cleaner. "You seem pretty obsessed to me."

"Look who's talking," the brothers chorused dryly as they glanced at the impending train wreck.

Winry, noticing the stares, glared at the duo. "What's that supposed to mean? I'm not the one obsessed with cats!"

Both averted their eyes at the same time, continuing their synchronicity. "Never mind," they said with a sigh.

Ed picked up another shirt, this time with a Munchkin lounging cutely on it, and asked, "How long do you plan to be in Xing anyway? You better hope they like cats over there…" he muttered.

Winry suddenly giggled. "Oh, Ed, you should have Al borrow that shirt to you."

Ed quickly glanced at her, feeling a tad uneasy. "Yeah? What for?"

Ignoring him, Winry spun on Alphonse. "Al, you'll let Edward borrow this one, right?" she asked dreamily.

Al flinched, not expecting to be confronted so directly. "Uh… I guess so. Why?"

Winry's face was filled with glee as she looked between the two. "Because! He would look so adorably cute in it!"

"Um… Winry… are you ok?" Ed hesitantly asked.

Winry, feeling as amazing as she was, twirled around a few times in response, and snatched the Munchkin t-shirt from Ed. Before he could say anything, she grabbed him by the arm as well, and yanked him out of Al's room.

"… Winry?"

Her eyes practically glowed with enthusiasm. "I want you to change, right now!" She ordered impatiently.

"Win-" Ed was interrupted by her slamming the door shut in his face. He sighed in defeat. _I guess I might as well put the stupid shirt on. Otherwise she'll probably wrench me again…_

"So Winry, why do you want him to wear that shirt?" Al wondered.

Winry smirked, then fell into some more giggles. "Think about it Alphonse…" she stated mischievously, "what kind of cat is on that shirt?"

Al took no time in responding. "The Munchkin, of course," he answered casually. "Why-" Al stopped himself as comprehension dawned on him. "Oh, I see now! You're pretty devious Winry."

She giggled again. "Thank you, I do try!" She leaned in closer and whispered conspiratorially, "How long do you think it will take him to notice?"

"Notice what?" Ed inquired abruptly, making Winry and Al jump.

After recovering, Winry just smiled her "I-just-won-a-lifetime-supply-of-automail-cleaner" grin at Ed. "How long it would take you to notice… how damn cute and adorable you look Edward!" She then couldn't help but add, "Like an adorable little munchkin!"

His flustered face changed from merely embarrassed to downright angry. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING A MUNCHKIN SO TINY THAT HE WOULD BE MISTAKEN FOR THAT CAT!?"

.

"Young Lord, we have a problem," Lan Fan greeted Ling with that Tuesday afternoon. "There's something you need to see."

Ling nodded, hearing the urgency in her voice, and followed Lan Fan into a place he had not dared trespass before: May's bedroom chambers.

"Lan Fan? Why are we in May's room?" Ling questioned his faithful bodyguard.

"This is where I found the problem, young lord," Lan Fan briefly answered.

"Wait, why were you in her room?" Ling asked, confused. Weren't women scary-protective about their privacy?

"I sensed a disturbance in the Force when I passed her room," Lan Fan casually answered.

"What?"

"I mean, I sensed a disturbance of the flow of chi coming from her room, young lord," Lan Fan corrected herself hastily, embarrassed.

"Oh… I see…" Ling awkwardly responded.

Recovering from her embarrassment, Lan Fan ushered the young lord to the back of the chambers.

At least, what he thought was the back of the chambers.

"There doesn't seem to be anything out of the ordinary here…" Ling told his bodyguard.

Lan Fan fixed him with a dull gaze. "It's just beyond this wall. There's a secret entrance right around…" she trailed off, feeling for a weak spot in the wall. Her hand came in contact with said weak point. "Here! Are you ready young lord?"

"Yes," Ling answered with a very determined look on his face. As emperor, he had to be ready for any danger, and he wouldn't back down now!

"Good," Lan Fan nodded, then pushed the weak spot in. There was an electrical hum as the wall shot up into the ceiling, thus allowing the duo to enter the secret room.

"What kind of sound was that?" Ling asked curiously.

"It sounded like a lightsaber, young lord," she answered easily.

"A what?"

"I mean, I don't know what that was, young master," Lan Fan hastened to correct herself.

"I see," Ling replied, glancing at his long-time companion. _She's acting quite suspicious… I wonder what's going on with her?_

He found his thoughts wandering away from his suspicious bodyguard the moment he looked inside the secret room. What he saw in the room shocked him to the core. So shocked was he, that his eyes actually opened up all the way.

Lan Fan-having already seen the horrors of this secret room-merely stood there, gauging her young lord's reaction. Obviously he was shell-shocked; she sure was when she saw it.

Everywhere, as far as the eye could see, was Alphonse. Pictures, statues, figurines, you name it; May Chang had it. The walls were covered in shiny wallpaper, featuring a young Al, no older than five.

Well, it would be more accurate to say hundreds of young Als were sported on the walls. And how exactly did May acquire a photo of Al at such a tender age, having never been to Resembool in her life?

Bribery.

Lan Fan did some secret investigating once she left the room of unspeakable horrors the first time. Apparently, May had been in contact with Winry for several months, and neither she nor Ling knew about it. Though, how it got past her Jedi senses was beyond her. She spent about half an hour skimming the letters Winry sent May, hoping it explained how May grew such a large Alphonse collection.

To Lan Fan's horror, they did. Apparently, May promised to give Winry all the automail cleaner she could want in exchange for Al memorabilia.

The Jedi bodyguard was becoming suspicious of her ever diminishing stock of automail cleaner, but she could never pinpoint any crooks stealing her supply. Now, though, she knew better.

An hour after stumbling upon the room, Lan Fan had decided to inform the young lord about May's issue, making sure to have some information at the ready when he asked questions.

However, at present time, he didn't seem to have any. No matter how long she let him take in the horror, he stayed completely shell-shocked. Her eyebrow twitched, which was the only outward sign of her annoyance.

"AND JUST WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING IN HERE?!" a sudden screech echoed throughout the room, making it seem as though it was haunted. And, Lan Fan figured, it may as well have been. May found them; she knew it wouldn't take long for that to happen.

This was just not a room that May would leave for very long.

The emperor jumped and let out an unmanly squeak, definitely not expecting that inhumane screech. Lan Fan rolled her eyes. Really, as emperor, Ling should be prepared for anything.

"I SAID, WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING IN HERE! THIS ROOM IS STRICTLY OFF LIMITS TO EVERYONE EXCEPT ME AND ALPHONSE!" May screamed at the duo.

The almighty emperor was shaking in terror. Ling Yao could handle many things: he could handle being the twelfth son of the previous emperor; he could handle trekking across the desert to Amestris at the tender age of fifteen; he could mooch off of Edward Elric's food money and live to tell about it; he could sense homunculi; he could even share his body with the most avaricious being there was; finally, he could prove himself worthy of the emperor title.

But dealing with May? That was something he could not handle.

"Eh… Lan Fan? A little help, please?" Ling timidly requested.

Lan Fan resisted the urge to roll her eyes, but held out her hand, palm facing May. "You do not want to yell at us," she started, sweeping her hand left to right, "we have the person you are looking for."

"We do?" Ling asked, surprised.

Lan Fan elbowed him in the ribs to silence him, but nodded. "Yes, we do."

May's eyes widened completely at this point. "REALLY? YOU HAVE ALPHONSE? WHERE IS HE?!" she yelled enthusiastically, losing whatever sanity she had left.

Ling and Lan Fan would have had to be blind not to see the stars in her eyes.

Ling was beyond confused at this point. How could his bodyguard know such important information, and not tell him? She's supposed to be his 'sources'! "Lan Fan, how could you know this? And not tell me about it?"

She didn't bother to resist rolling her eyes this time, but answered, "I sensed his presence, young lord."

"Oh, from his chi?"

"… Yes, definitely from his chi, young lord." Lan Fan averted her gaze suspiciously.

Ling was about to ask why she delayed in answering, but was interrupted by a scream of "TAKE ME TO HIM, TO MY ALPHONSE!"

In response to this, Ling paled considerably, fear gripping his very being. How was this so? He was the damn emperor for crying out loud! How could something so SMALL-

.

"WHO CALLED ME SMALL?!" Ed yelled without warning.

Winry and Al sighed in unison. They were both used to such strange outbursts by now, of course, but neither one of them had even said anything in the past few minutes.

"Nobody called you small, brother, you're overreacting again…" Al sighed loudly. "Also, you and Winry really didn't have to tag along with me to Xing, I could have made it here just fine on my own…"

Winry huffed. "We know that, we came here because we _wanted_ to, isn't that right Edward?"

Ed then huffed, just because she did. "Hmph, whatever. It's too hot here, and I feel like my automail leg is on fire," he grumbled.

"Oh, don't be such a baby, Ed, your leg and knee are fine, don't you trust my automail? You're obviously in good hands, you know," Winry bragged, hands on hips.

"Brother… your knee really _is_ on fire. How in the hell…?" Al trailed off, uncertain of what he was seeing. He blinked. "Winry, do you have anything to put the fire out with?"

Ignoring Ed's cries of pain, Winry thought Al's question over. "Hmm, lemme take a look, and see what I've got…" she tore open her suitcase, toolbox, and lastly, the small carry-on that was taken from her at the security checkpoint on the train.

"Winry… how'd you get that bag back? I thought it was confiscated for being 'suspicious cargo'?

"Please Al, there is nothing wrong with this bag. I just asked sweetly for my bag back, that's all."

"… You threw your wrenches at the security team, didn't you?"

"… You can't prove anything." Winry tentatively answered, therefore ending the discussion about her methods of retrieving suspicious cargo. She rummaged through the suspicious bag first, and anyone unfortunate enough to witness the items coming out of that bag was scared-and scarred-for life.

The first thing she pulled out was a blowtorch, which Ed instinctively hopped away from, whimpering.

Al raised his eyebrows in question. "Really?"

Winry looked downcast. "I guess you're right, this won't help him…" she sighed, and in her depressed state of mind, her fingers fumbled with the on/off switch. She let out a short gasp when a sharp blast of flames shot out…

At Ed's all-flesh knee.

"DAMMIT WINRY!" Ed yelped. "FUCK, IT HURTS!"

"OH MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY ED!" Winry panicked, throwing the closest liquid within reach at his knees-in this case, it was the milk.

Unfortunately for Edward, this only caused the flames to explode, and spread to his feet, in some backwards form of logic. He was in too much pain to care about the logic of spreading fires. He was, however, very grateful the fire didn't spread upwards.

"HEY! ALPHONSE! YOU'RE REALLY HERE!" A new voice shouted across the street, "I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU, MY SWEET ALPHONSE!" May then flung herself at Al in the tightest hug he'd ever experienced.

"Uh… hello May. How're you?" Al choked out. He gasped when she started hugging even tighter, which he didn't think was possible.

Winry's eyes lit up at seeing her friend. "May! Good to see you! I accidentally set Ed's knee on fire and I still have to put it out and I think I need your help do you have automail cleaner I'm low?!" she rambled on, run-on sentence style.

May let go of Al-to his relief-and ran up to Winry. "Good to see you too Winry! Well, I'm sure we'll figure something out for Edward because I'll definitely help you anyway I can and yes I do have some I knew you'd be low on your cleaner!" she responded in kind.

"Anytime you wanna put this damn fire out would be great!" Ed hollered in the background.

The two females finished digging through her carry-on, but found nothing usable.

"Oh no, what do we do now?" Winry threw her arms up in despair.

May grinned. "Not to worry, I got this!" She pulled out her alkahestry tools-her kunai-and set up her transmutation.

Within a minute, she succeeded in putting the fire out, which made Edward very, very grateful, however he wished that she would've used that sooner.

Once he noticed the stares he was getting from Al and Winry, his relief morphed into worry. "What? What are you two gawking at? Is there something on my knees that shouldn't be?"

Winry blinked. Then she blinked again, too stunned to speak.

Al looked like he was trying to speak, but no sound came out. He then turned his gaze to May, and, after seeing her expression, felt like he was going to be sick. Her face was full of glee and pride at her handiwork.

Ed decided, against his better judgment, to see what was so horrible about his knees. He went over to Winry's carry-on, and pulled out a full-length mirror to stand in front of. His legs showed no burns, surprisingly, but he had a feeling that's not why they were staring-

"Why the hell do I have Al's face on my knees?!" Ed inquired, miffed.

"Isn't it wonderful?" May exclaimed dreamily. "It's my sweet, sweet Alphonse!"

"Well, then put him on your knees, leave him off mine! You're crazy!" Ed replied defensively.

Ed took a few steps away from May, and stopped right next to his little brother, upon seeing that dark aura form around her. "What did you call me, Edward Elric?" she hissed.

Winry made a point to stand right next to May. "Edward, apologize! You shouldn't call people crazy, it's not nice! May is not crazy!" she emphasized, defending her automail cleaner dealer.

"Yes she is," Ling said, calmly walking towards the group, "in fact, it's rather worrisome. Right Lan Fan?" he questioned the roof of the building they were next to.

Lan Fan responded with a "Yes, young lord!" before jumping down to join everybody else. After landing gracefully, she locked gazes with each Amestrian solemnly, and sighed. "The young lord is right, this issue is very worrisome. In fact, we have proof of our claims inside the palace; would you like to see?"

May's dark aura dissipated immediately, and she hopped over to Al, huge grin in place. "I just KNOW that you'll love it Alphonse! I know you will!"

Al was completely terrified. However, he was a counselor for crying out loud! He has to handle situations with a clear head, and rational thinking. So he swallowed that large lump of fear, and forced a smile to his face. "Lead the way, May…"

.

Riza decided to dial Alphonse up yet again to schedule yet another appointment for yet another officer. She doesn't want to disclose any details of the incident leading to this phone call; however, she will let Alphonse know of the situation when he answers.

While the phone rings, she brushes some stray sparkles off of her uniform casually. It was rather unsettling, because the sparkles had never attacked her personally before. This needed to be brought to the counselor's attention, immediately!

_Why the hell isn't he picking up his damn phone?!_

Suddenly, she heard some beeping, and Alphonse's voice: "You have reached the office of Alphonse. I apologize for not picking up the phone in the beginning; for you see, I went away to Xing to see Ling and hopefully start relaxing. I must regretfully inform thee that you will not see me for a few weeks, until I get back from my vacation from a different nation, and I hope that I miss nothing serious, delirious, or mysterious. Thank you for phoning, but I will be postponing the date that you will be moaning or groaning your problems and gripes; so be sure to save your vocals and pipes! Thank you for the wait, and we shall set up a date! Oh, and Miss Hawkeye, I know you wish to speak with I, about helping another guy, but wait until July, before you retry to apply another ally. Goodbye!"

There was a click. Riza slowly brought the phone away from her face, and stared warily at it. What sort of message was that? Has Alphonse gone mad?

And worse… why had he abandoned her during a time of need? She slammed the phone down, Mustang-style, causing three stray sparkles to flee from her sleeve at the abrupt movement.

.

"Whoa…" Winry breathed, stunned. "Now I see why you wanted those pictures…"

"Yep!" May giggled. "Isn't it great? I planned and sculpted this place from the ground up for my Alphonse! I sure hope he likes it!"

"I… I… what?" Al whispered fearfully. He turned to his brother. "Ed? Are you seeing this too, brother? I'm scared."

"I know what you mean, Al… I mean, look at this one," Ed pointed at one of the pictures near the entrance, "I remember that expression of yours, like it just happened yesterday-"

"That one did just happen yesterday, brother. You poked me with my cane, then Winry broke it after aiming a wrench at your head and missing, remember? It's such a good thing I don't need it anymore…"

"Oh, yeah, right. My bad," Ed replied shamefully. He glanced quickly at Winry. "A real shame she sold you out though, heh, don't you think?" he added nervously.

Al sighed. "All of you are going to need many appointments. Especially you, brother… and Winry, definitely…" he took a deep breath, and looked May in the eye. "You as well, May, I'm afraid."

May's eyes lit up, and she grinned wide at Al. "Oh, Alphonse! What wonderful news! We get to spend more time together!" She then showed her giddiness by crushing him in another bear hug.

Al wheezed, and attempted to pry free from her grip. _I can't wait until I'm done with vacation… I have to start counseling her now! That sure puts a damper in my plans…_

"MAY!" Winry suddenly shouted, "I NEED MY AUTOMAIL CLEANER!"

The girl in question reluctantly released Al-much to his relief-and rushed over to the chemical addict. "Hang on, Winry! I've got it!" she responded quickly while pulling a can of it out of her right shoe.

When that crisis was averted, Lan Fan asked Al where his office was.

"Oh, pretty much wherever I am; it's portable," Al told her matter-of-factly. He pulled a kitten-shaped cube out of his front pocket. "In fact, you're looking at it."

Lan Fan raised an eyebrow questioningly. "But… Alphonse… nobody could fit into that little cube."

"Except for Edward, of course!" Ling interjected, unable to resist saying it.

"GODDAMMIT, LING-" Ed started yelling angrily, but stopped suddenly when he saw what Winry was doing.

Or, rather, what she was aiming at him. "Winry… put the flamethrower down… please…"

Winry shook her head. "No, Edward, you need some cooling off! And I'm going to wash you off with this fancy hose!"

Ed gulped, unsure of how to reason with her when intoxicated… or at any time, actually. "Winry, that's not a hose. It shoots FIRE. Do you WANT TO SET ME ON FIRE?!" he asked, panicking.

Al, ignoring Ed and Winry, clapped his hands and placed both on his kitty cube. Within seconds, his well-known office was up and running, and he was alone with May.

All alone.

He fingered all the buttons, reassured by their presence. The escape and plan b buttons (and, he discovered, unmarked buttons) were all there, just waiting to be pressed.

Al cleared his throat, and decided to just get this session over with. "So… May. I uh, understand you have an obsession. How would you suggest we work on this?" he inquired patiently whilst leaning back in his comfortable counselor chair.

May stopped jumping up and down on her chair to think for a moment, and then resumed her jumping activity. "I know! I'll just ask Winry for more pictures and things! Then I'll be happy! And you'll be happy too, I just know it!"

"How do you figure that?"

"Real simple, Alphonse. If I'm happy, then you'll be happy too!" May explained giddily.

Al gaped. Was she serious? His happiness depended upon her happiness? That couldn't be right… "I'm afraid I don't understand; how on earth does that make any sens-"

_**Blond shorty is on fire. I repeat, the blond shorty is on fire.**_

May blinked. "What is that?"

"Oh, that's my security system alarm. It usually only tells me when someone's approaching, not when they're on fire…" Al answered distractedly.

"Oh…" May replied awkwardly. "Hey, Alphonse?"

"… Yes?" Al gulped fearfully.

"Will you marry me?!" she asked ecstatically.

Al started, causing him to lose balance, which started a small chain reaction. First, his right hand accidentally pushed on an unidentified button; this led to a strange engine sound around May, which in a few seconds silenced itself.

And then, her seat ejected her through the roof of his office, leaving Al alone with his cats, and his buttons of doom and hope.

_**The obsessive stalker has left the building. I repeat, the obsessive stalker has left the building.**_

Al sighed. _I guess that's the end of her first session…_

However, he couldn't shake the feeling that this "vacation" was far from over…

_**A/N**__: Goodness, sorry again that this took so long! Almost three months D: But perhaps while he's in Xing, he'll get to counsel Lan Fan and Ling… hm. And what is going on with Riza? Where could those sparkles have possibly been from? Suspicious, this is.  
Anyway, I apologize if this isn't up to par, but it took a while XD  
Peace and love  
chocolatexloverx16_


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